During my senior year of high school, a student two years younger than me died by suicide. The school was stricken with grief and wanted to do everything in their power to help the community overcome this loss. School was cancelled the following day, the guidance department opened their doors to anyone who wanted to talk, and a mass was held in his remembrance. It was the only thing that anyone seemed to talk about. Yet, just three weeks later, another student followed in his footsteps.

The school realized that they were not equipped to handle the situation and called in help from a few outside psychologists, who instructed them to not glorify the victim. They were told that talking about suicide in the wrong manner may only exacerbate the situation, a phenomenon known as the “Werther” effect. As a result, the school decided to be more tight lipped about the deaths.

While I am glad that there was no third victim, I still feel that the community could have benefitted from more closure. I want to explore how we as individuals could reframe the way we speak about mental health, and suicide in particular.

Let’s take a look at what it means to talk about suicide in a more conscientious manner.

Psychological Background

The Werther Effect is named after the 1774 novel The Sorrows of Young Werther, in which Johann Wolfgang von Goethe’s protagonist dies by suicide. In response to the novel, many young men took their own lives while dressed in the same outfits as Werther, using a similar pistol, and even with the book itself in their hands. Although originally describing the idea of a widely publicized suicide triggering suicide contagion, the effect has come to explain any form of “copycat suicide.”

The Werther Effect was by no means a fluke. Look no further than the hit Netflix show 13 Reasons Why to see the impact of an insensitive portrayal of suicide. While well-intended, the month after that show’s release saw a 29% increase in teen suicide.

What many people struggle to realize is the significant effect that such a loss can have on even a small community. According to a 2016 study, 115 people are affected on average by just one suicide. Those affected are approximately twice as likely to have diagnosable depression or anxiety as a result.

While the loss of a loved one will always have an impact, further catastrophe can be prevented if we all learn how to better handle such situations with more sensitivity.

What to Avoid When Talking About Suicide

When first considering this, I had hoped to focus exclusively on the positive result that can surround more open conversations about suicide. A quick google search will point out the hundred things that you should not say about suicide, but I wanted to do something a little different. Yet, it is impossible to cover the topic without also focusing on the hurdles — and dangers — of open discussions of suicide. Of course, it’s also easier to tangentialize what we do wrong than what we could do right.

So, first let’s run through common sensitivities to be aware of when talking about suicide before we get into the ways that being more open in discussing suicide can have positive effects.

Don’t use stigmatizing phrases

Certain things that we say about a delicate subject, such as suicide, can have far reaching repercussions, even if unintended. It was not until recently that someone pointed out to me that I had wrongly been using the phrase “commit suicide” and I stopped to think what that suggested.

Think about all of the other times that you use “commit.” You probably came up with a series of phrases that portray the subject as a wrongdoer of some sort. It is important to remember that mental illness is not anyone’s fault, but rather something that we should work together to help alleviate. Try replacing this phrase with “die by suicide” instead.

Another major misstep people make when discussing suicide is to refer to an attempt as either successful or unsuccessful. Keep in mind that describing a suicide as “successful” suggests positive connotations around the loss of life. Suicidal behavior should be classified as either a suicide or an attempted suicide, leaving out unintended, moralizing implications. Graphically detailing the method, means, or description of how a person died can also increase the risk of suicide for vulnerable individuals and so is best avoided.

Don’t imply blame

During the confusion in the wake of a suicide, it is understandable to start searching for answers. Yet, blaming someone, be it the victim or someone close to them, is unproductive.

With respect to the victim, recognize that he or she is not being “selfish,” but is likely struggling. Science has shown that people who die by suicide often have little control over their actions in the moments leading up to their death, with mental illness distorting their reality and leading them to make a decision that they ultimately may not have wished to make.

Those close to the victim will likely deal with feelings of survivor’s guilt. Therefore, while questions about whether they “noticed anything going on recently” might seem harmless, they may perpetuate self-doubt in those close to the victim.

Don’t minimize the loss

As much as you may want to lessen the blow and try and move past a tragic event, pushing someone to move on can prevent them from being able to address it on their own terms. Everyone handles grief in their own way, and rushing that process or diminishing their emotions can only make it harder.

It is important that people are given the time and space to mourn and handle their grief. Try instead: shining a light on the happy times you had with the deceased and celebrating their life. It is important not to just remember them by their last act, but as the entirety of who they were.

How Communities Can Better Approach Suicide

It’s often said that ignoring or suppressing what we want to say only exacerbates the problem. That can also be true for suicide. It’s important that people feel free to discuss their struggles, to ask for help, and for all of us to work to destigmatize mental illness generally, and the topic of suicide specifically. No matter how difficult a conversation may seem, it is always a worthwhile one to have. With that being said, here are some things to keep in mind so that you can talk about suicide the right way.

Treat it for what it is — a health condition

The biggest inhibitor to a healthy conversation about suicide is the stigma that surrounds it. Mental illness has a long history of under-recognition, which has had a detrimental impact for those who struggle with it. Although we’re still far from the day when mental health conditions are treated in the same manner as their physical counterparts, we can start to make conscious decisions right now to talk about our mental health in the same way. This will at least be a step in the right direction.

Next time the conversation of mental illness or suicide comes up, think how you would phrase something if it was instead about someone who was suffering from or died because of a heart condition. Tailor your conversation accordingly.

Be open

Nobody is forcing you to share what you are not comfortable with, but if we were all a little more open about our own lives, it might make others feel more comfortable opening up as well. In my own experience, sharing my lows with others made them much more likely to start a dialogue about their own mental health.

While mental health issues are still taboo, this means sufferers feel like they are all alone, when in reality, that isn’t the case. In fact, one in four Americans struggle with a mental illness each year, but without the confidence to come forward, many suffer in silence.

Be direct

Finally, when you are talking about mental illness, it is important not to leave anything open to interpretation. If you think someone needs help, say something while you have the chance. There are endless resources that are equipped to handle crises. The key is to make sure they are utilized.

Resources For You, Your Loved Ones, and Community

While we can try to do everything in our power to prevent future suicides, there are people who are already living with suicidal thoughts and ideation. It is important to remember that there are resources available to help.

National Suicide Prevention Hotline

1-800-273-8255 (TALK). Remember it and share it, because you never know when you may need it. The National Suicide Prevention Hotline is open 24/7 and is well equipped to handle those in crisis.

Crisis Text Line

The Crisis Text Line is the free, 24/7, confidential text message service for people in crisis. Text HOME to 741741 in the United States to speak with a crisis counselor, a real-life human being trained to bring texters from a hot moment to a cool calm.

Text HOME to 741741 and learn more at www.crisitextline.org

Support groups

Whether you are having suicidal ideation yourself or someone close to you is, you’re not alone. The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention has lists of support groups that can be beneficial. You can find the list here.

Therapy

Last but not least, speaking to a mental health professional on a regular basis has been shown to be efficacious. After a suicide attempt, those who participate in regular therapy sessions are 26% less likely to die by suicide, according to one study.

While there is progress being made surrounding the stigma of mental illness, suicide will never be easy to talk about. What’s most important is when we do talk about it, we use language that is both respectful and keeps from implying or laying blame. Reframing the way we talk about mental illness, specifically suicide, can help foster an environment where individuals can discuss their struggles, and ultimately feel safe to ask for help when needed. Having resources readily available can be powerful — you never know when you or a loved one might need it.

The post Is There a ‘Right Way’ to Talk About Suicide? appeared first on Talkspace.

A key piece of advice that I have always held onto is to “not take myself too seriously.” At my old job, I tried to console a coworker who was more than a little angry with our manager. She looked at me and said “Has there ever been someone who, just by looking at them, makes you feel sick to your stomach?” Without a thought, my response was “of course…I have a mirror.”

To be honest, I was pretty proud of the self-deprecating joke until I saw the horrified look on her face. I began to think about the convenient wall that my self-deprecating sense of humor allowed me to put up between my emotions and my interactions. While it is good to be able to find the humor in life, striking the right balance is important.

There have been countless studies outlining the benefits of being able to laugh at yourself, and, I will admit, self-deprecation — which is defined as the tendency to disparage or undervalue oneself — has its place. A self-aware joke can not only diffuse an awkward situation, but it can also lead to higher levels of emotional well-being.

While all of that may be true, the fact of the matter is that self-deprecation is only beneficial in moderation.

Read on for indicators that your self-deprecation may be verging on unhealthy as well as ways to maintain a healthy balance in terms of self-deprecating humor.

Signs Your Self-Deprecation Might Be Unhealthy

You can’t take a compliment

While compliments are usually well intended, the reactions that they provoke are not universally ones of gratitude. Cynthia Catchings, LCSW-S, CFTP, and a Talkspace therapist from the DC area, notes, “For many of us, sometimes, hearing words that are supposed to make us feel good can cause discomfort, fear, and even panic.” Nobody wants to come off as conceited, so we sometimes find it easier to invalidate the compliment for the sake of humility.

An inability to accept praise, however, could point to some more deep-seated issues. People with low self-esteem often struggle with compliments because they run contradictory to their deeply held, but most often flawed, self-conception. The compliment recipient may even try to decipher an ulterior motive from the complimenter, which can cause the panic that Catchings described.

Self deprecation has become a reflex

As was the case with the incident with my coworker, people with self-deprecating tendencies make fun of themselves almost instinctively. If you notice that your natural inclination is to engage in self-deprecating humor and make jokes at your own expense, without first thinking about the intent, you may want to look at breaking that habit.

Your jokes fall flat

There is no worse feeling than saying something that you expect to send a crowd into fits of laughter, but instead it makes the room go silent. This is especially true when it is a self-deprecating dig at yourself, because the punchline is personal. These situations, however, can be learning experiences. Next time you hear crickets after a self-critical comment, make a note of it and think about why your sense of humor might have made people uncomfortable.

Silence is not the only indicator that a joke has fallen flat. If someone explicitly states that what you said has gone too far, it’s a pretty clear indicator that you need to consider changing your self-deprecating patterns.

You’re self-deprecating when you’re alone

It is easy to convince yourself that your self-deprecation is just a means of socializing. It becomes a little harder to justify, however, when you’re the only one in the room. We can’t always control our thoughts, but we can control what we do with them.

“If you are continually speaking about yourself in a manner that puts yourself down,” says Jill E. Daino, LCSW, and a New York-based Talkspace therapist, “over time those comments and beliefs become a part of how you view yourself and impact your self-esteem. I think of it as slowly chipping away at the foundation of your sense of self over time.”

While there may sometimes be logical justifications for being self-deprecating in a group setting, there is no reason to keep up that act when you are by yourself.

You start believing the punchlines

The ultimate sign that you need to ease up on the self-deprecating humor is that you start accepting as reality what you originally intended to be a light-hearted joke. The point of self-deprecation is to make light of your flaws and come to terms with the imperfections of humanity, not validate insecurities.

How to Maintain a Healthy, Humorous Balance

Force yourself to break the cycle

When someone compliments you, frequently the best response that you can have is “thank you.” Take the compliment, no need to reinvent the wheel. People appreciate when their complements are well received, and a simple “thank you” can go a long way. As Carl W. Buehner once said, “They may forget what you said — but they will never forget how you made them feel.” You’re being complimented for a reason, and responding by putting yourself down has the opposite of its desired effect.

It may feel unnatural at first, but eventually, saying those two words won’t feel so difficult. One idea to get some practice (without fishing for compliments) is to compliment yourself every once in a while. It may feel uncomfortable, but forcing yourself to stop and appreciate the things you do like about yourself is a step in the right direction.

Stop perpetuating the self-deprecation of others

It is sometimes easier to recognize other people’s behavior than it is to examine your own. Pointing out when others are being overly self-deprecating will not only help them to break the cycle, but it could also force you to stop and think about your own similar moments.

Additionally, with technology playing such an active role in connecting people across the world, it is even more important to carefully consider what we say. Promoting negative messages on social media can have detrimental effects on your own self esteem and refraining from posting harmful messages can help shield others as well.

Read the situation

If you notice that your self-deprecating humor is falling flat, you might want to start being more cognizant of your surroundings. One of the most common places that we see self-deprecation is in the workplace. Given that this environment is centered around your performance, people often struggle to strike the right balance between confidence and humility. It is important to remember that you are often selling yourself in your workplace, and being self-critical can lead to selling yourself short. It might not be the best place for your self-deprecating humor!

One writer for Forbes even described an interaction she once had at work, where her coworker said to her “You may want to rethink boasting about your spelling issues while working at a magazine!”

Work is not the only setting that should remain deprecation-free . It’s important to use your better judgement to make sure that your attempt at having a light-hearted sense of humor doesn’t have counterproductive effects.

Journal

If you notice that your self-deprecating thoughts are creeping into your alone time, you might want to start finding a healthy place to release them. According to Daino, “Journaling is a very powerful tool in general — and while not everyone likes to use it, it can be very helpful in reframing negative thought patterns.”

In addition to having the ability to counteract the original negative thought pattern, Daino notes that “you have the opportunity to go back and re-read it and add to the new thoughts over time”

Sometimes all it takes is to put your emotions on paper for you to realize that your negative emotions toward yourself are unproductive (and often wrong). Journaling does not require any writing skills whatsoever — it is for your eyes only!

Speak to a therapist

When in doubt, talking to someone who is licensed and professionally trained in self-esteem issues could be beneficial. Therapy can help provide strategies to better cope with the underlying reasons behind self-deprecation, especially if it is negatively impacting your life.

If sourcing and commuting to a brick-and-mortar therapist sounds daunting, you might want to consider an online therapist. Talkspace therapists are trained to deal with self-esteem issues and are available whenever and wherever you need them!

Ultimately, an ability to make light of yourself can have benefits, but if it begins to dominate your sense of humor or becomes a go-to coping strategy when you’re uncomfortable, it might be an issue you want to address.

The post When Does Self-Deprecating Humor Become Detrimental? appeared first on Talkspace.

Physical

Sleep

The problem with the sleep schedule of most college students is not just the lack of sleep that most get (on average about 6-6.9 hours a night), but also the inconsistency of student sleep cycles. During my first finals week in college, I pulled two all nighters, followed by a fourteen hour night of sleep, followed by another all nighter, and then a weekend of hibernation. Looking back years later — that was frightening…and avoidable.
Setting yourself a consistent sleep schedule can make all the difference. Try not to wake up on the weekends more than an hour after your latest weekday wakeup. Binge sleeping is an epidemic on college campuses and, no matter how many times you try and convince yourself that you can bank sleep or that it somehow rolls over like your data plan, it does not.
I have also forced myself to refrain from napping. If you feel that they are essential, try not to nap for more than an hour and never after 3 pm.

Exercise

Eight hours of sleep sounds fantastic, but it is useless if it’s not restful. In addition to improving your sleep quality by about 65%, research also shows that exercise can help improve focus, mood, and energy.
Consistently going to the gym will provide more stability to your schedule as well. If you are struggling to find the motivation or the diligence to work out on a regular basis, think about joining a class or finding a gym buddy!

Watch what you consume

I am not just talking about avoiding the freshman fifteen. For many, college is the first time not living at home. Gone are the days of home cooked meals from mom. In addition to keeping you in shape, eating healthy has emotional and cognitive benefits as well.
It is no secret that college can often lead to a rise in people’s intake of alcohol. I could run through all of the statistics, but this is not alcohol.edu. It is important to note, however, that alcohol is a depressant, and it is nearly impossible to find a balance in life if you are in the thralls of a hangover. You can still have fun without blacking out and, no matter how many times you hear “It isn’t alcoholism until you are out of college,” it isn’t true.
Finally, I’m sure that you have been told countless times to not indulge in excess caffeine — especially not late at night. It can throw off sleep patterns and nurture an unhealthy dependency. I would be quite the hypocrite if I criticized caffeine consumption, as I am an avid coffee drinker myself, but one option to consider is supplementing your coffee intake with the occasional glass of tea. Tea has plenty of other health benefits along with the stimulating effect that most are seeking, while only containing half of the caffeine.

Mental

Study

You are going to school, afterall. Creating good study habits can serve as the foundation for a balanced life on campus. Procrastination is extremely easy when you are surrounded by so many distractions. Spend your first few weeks figuring out where and how you work best and stick to that routine. Plan out your study schedule in advance, as it will make putting everything else around it that much easier. Try out new study spots on campus, having an environment that works for you can make all the difference!
If you are struggling to convince yourself to do the work on a consistent basis, it may be a sign that you need to make a change. About 80 percent of students in the United States end up changing their major at least once, according to the National Center for Education Statistics. There is no shame in seeking out something you enjoy. If you are motivated and successful in your primary occupation, it will likely extend to the rest of your life on campus.

Work towards future plans

While school may be occupying your whole world right now, it is important to remember that it is a stepping stone to other things. As much as we may like it to, college does not last forever. Keep track of what you are looking to do long term and take steps that will bring you closer to achieving those goals. Most colleges have a career center that can help students figure out their interests and point them in the right direction.

Allow breaks

Giving yourself a breather every once in a while is necessary to make college sustainable. The beauty of planning out certain other aspects of your life is that it’s easier to map out your actual free time. No one needs to be doing something all of the time. For those who are a bit more introverted, giving yourself some alone time to watch your favorite show or read a book can help you re-energize. For the more extroverted student, getting together with friends can be a great way to break up the fast-paced nature of most campuses.

Social

College is a time for you to branch out and figure out who you are and who you want to associate with. To break that down into a formula would not do justice to the varied experiences that every person can have on a college campus. That said, there are some things that you should keep in mind that will help regardless of your social preferences.

Be active!

Everyone always says that they most regret the things that they didn’t do. The more involved you are, the more you will feel at home on your campus. Join that club you keep seeing flyers for on campus. Play an intramural sport if one interests you. You may hate the experience, but at least you will know that those things don’t interest you (and maybe even make a few friends along the way).

Be genuine!

Once you do start to realize where your interests lie, stay true to them. While it can be fun to take part in all of the same things as your friends, you will probably see them all the time anyway. It would be a shame to sacrifice things you enjoy, especially if you are doing so to make room for something to make your friends happy.

Be friendly!

Not only will being kind have the obvious benefit of not putting you at odds with other kids around campus (I had a friend who said she spent her second semester avoiding everyone that she met in her first semester), it will also make you feel better yourself. A 2016 study by Oxford University found that “being kind to others causes a small but significant improvement in subjective well-being.”
Navigating the social challenges that kids face on a college campus can seem just as daunting as the academics itself. These are supposed to be “the best four years of your life” as everyone and their mother will tell you. The reality is that there will be times where you won’t feel on top of the world, and that is okay. The thought that kept racing through my head throughout my first few weeks at school was “This doesn’t seem sustainable.” I was right, and thankfully I turned to therapy for help.
Whether it be due to unhappiness in your social life, or just struggling to find a balance throughout your college experience, talking to an objective third party like a licensed therapist can make all the difference. With a busy school schedule, the flexibility of online therapy might work for you! It works around your schedule right from your phone. It made these past few years infinitely more manageable for me and it may be able to do the same thing for you.

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