Signs of Dismissive Avoidant Attachment

Humans have an innate desire for social connection, but people with a dismissive avoidant attachment style are uncomfortable in an intimate relationship. While they can be charismatic and friendly in social settings, they keep an emotional distance. They may withdraw from a romantic relationship when someone gets too close. 

Signs of this attachment style include:

• Self-reliance: People with this attachment pattern are highly independent and prefer not to turn to others for help. They may respond negatively when other people ask for support.
• Secretive behavior: When someone is dismissive avoidant, they may be reluctant to share information with others. It’s common to hide feelings or plans, even when they have no reason to keep something secret.
• Conflict avoidance: Most people with this attachment style are conflict-averse. They may shut down or end a close relationship at the first sign of conflict.
• Suppressing emotions: Dismissive avoidant people tend to conceal their feelings. In addition to hiding feelings or emotions from others, they may struggle to understand their feelings. 
• Difficulty trusting others: A general distrust of others is common in people living with this attachment style. They may believe that it’s unsafe to rely on other people.

“Also known as avoidant dismissive insecure attachment style, dismissive avoidant attachment is often indicative of a robust sense of self, a preference for independence, and an intolerance for emotional vulnerability.”

– Talkspace therapist Elizabeth Keohan, LCSW-C, LICSW, LCSW

Causes of Dismissive Avoidant Attachment

Most experts subscribe to attachment theory. What is attachment theory? The theory maintains that attachment styles form in infancy and early childhood. From birth, children look to caregivers to meet their emotional needs. Children develop assumptions about relationships based on how caregivers respond to their needs. 

If caregivers fail to meet a child’s needs or respond negatively when the child is in distress, the child will learn they can’t depend on others to meet their needs. Unfortunately, many children who develop a dismissive avoidant attachment style have caregivers that are unresponsive to their needs or discourage them from expressing their emotions. 

To cope with the stress of an unavailable caregiver, children may learn to shut down their feelings rather than seek comfort and emotional closeness from others. This coping mechanism often forces them to become independent at an early age. Research suggests that attachment styles during childhood usually continue into adulthood, although they can be altered with work. 

While researchers widely believe that a child’s relationships with caregivers primarily determine attachment styles, some studies indicate that there may also be a genetic component. For example, twin studies suggest that some people may be predisposed to avoidant attachment styles. More research is needed to determine how genetics contribute to attachment styles. 

“Causes of dismissive avoidant attachment are not decisively clear. It’s often theorized that we develop our attachment styles very early in life based on the type of styles nurtured by our caregivers or parents. Dismissive avoidant attachment typically has its roots in a lack of affection from strict, rigid, or emotionally distant caregivers.”

– Talkspace therapist Elizabeth Keohan, LCSW-C, LICSW, LCSW

What Triggers Dismissive Avoidant Attachment?

Certain events and interactions likely trigger avoidant behavior in people with this attachment style. These triggers can cause discomfort and may result in someone who’s dismissive avoidant withdrawing from relationships. 

Dismissive avoidant attachment triggers include:

• Criticism: While people with this attachment style often respond positively to constructive criticism in the workplace, it can be hard for them to handle negative feedback from partners. They may see criticism as evidence that others don’t care about their needs. 
• Emotional volatility: Dismissive avoidants want to feel like they’re in control. Unpredictability and inconsistent communication can cause significant stress. 
• Boundary crossing: It’s common for a dismissive avoidant individual to set boundaries to protect themselves. When others ignore their boundaries, they may feel unsafe.
• Vulnerability: Showing vulnerability can make a dismissive avoidant person feel weak. They may fear that showing vulnerability will allow others to control them. 
• Lack of validation: It can be very difficult for people with this attachment style to open up to others or let them know they need help. They often react negatively if they’re not validated when they put themselves in a vulnerable position.
• High expectations: It can be challenging for many people with this attachment style to cope with a partner’s expectations. They may feel overwhelmed by demands for time or attention.

“If you’re dismissive avoidant, you rest on predictability and routine, things you know and can count on for sure. With that, emotional vulnerability and signs of weakness can be particularly triggering, especially if they’re reminiscent of the space and inability to be independent or self-assured.”

– Talkspace therapist Elizabeth Keohan, LCSW-C, LICSW, LCSW

How to Overcome Dismissive Avoidant Attachment

While it can be difficult for people with a dismissive avoidant attachment style to form healthy relationships with others, change is possible. Studies show that negative attachment styles can become more secure as we age. 

There are several ways to overcome dismissive avoidant attachment and build stronger bonds with others. 

Reflect on your behavior

Becoming more aware of how your current attachment style impacts your behavior is the first step in changing. Next, it’s essential to learn more about dismissive avoidant attachment and take the time to assess your feelings. Over time, you’ll learn to correct destructive habits and replace them with healthier behaviors. 

Find safe ways to express your feelings

It can be hard for dismissive avoidants to show vulnerability to others. Finding safe outlets for your feelings can make it easier to open up with others. One effective strategy is recording feelings and emotions in a journal. Journaling for mental health is just one of many proven stress management techniques that can help improve your mental health overall. It can also help identify patterns of unhealthy or unhelpful behavior, so you can start to modify your reactions to situations. 

Strengthen your communication skills

Effective communication is key to any healthy relationship. To alter your attachment style, you’ll need to learn to improve how you communicate with others. One way to do this is by becoming aware. If you notice that you’re making assumptions about other people’s feelings, take the time to stop and ask open-ended questions. Set aside time to connect and have constructive conversations with others. There are also communication exercises for couples that you two can learn as well and strengthen communication skills together.

Practice mindfulness

People with this attachment style often struggle to understand their feelings and behaviors. Mindfulness is a practice that can make you more aware of your emotions. Studies demonstrate that mindfulness and meditation for stress help you learn to regulate emotions and tolerate distress without shutting down. 

Get professional help with Talkspace

Reaching out for support can be tough if you have a dismissive avoidant attachment style. While asking for help isn’t easy, it might be the most effective way for you to overcome and change your attachment style. Talkspace is an online therapy platform that can help. 

When you seek relationship counseling through Talkspace, you’ll be connected with an experienced, qualified therapist who understands how attachment styles impact your life and well-being. With their help, you’ll be able to understand your behavior and make positive, lasting changes. Over time, you’ll learn to build deep and meaningful connections with others.

What is Displacement?

It isn’t always possible for people to express negative emotions like anger, frustration, or fear directly. Repression of unwanted feelings is common, and displacement defense mechanisms allow someone to transfer unpleasant feelings from their original source to another less threatening target. 

People often find themselves in situations that require them to suppress their emotions. If you’re upset at your boss, for example, voicing your feelings could have serious consequences. When someone engages in displaced aggression, they direct these strong emotions towards another, safer target, such as a family member or a friend.

What is the difference between displacement and projection?

There are some similarities between displacement and projection as a defense mechanism. Both mechanisms essentially involve transferring feelings to someone else, but people use these defense tactics in different ways. 

• Projection: When someone projects, they’re displacing their own negative traits and emotions onto others. 

• Displacement: Displacement involves transferring feelings someone has about one person onto someone else. 

In short, projection distorts the motivations of the person being targeted, whereas displacement is a way for someone to attribute an emotional response to the wrong person. 

Examples of Displacement as a Defense Mechanism

Displacement can take many forms. While it’s often associated with misplaced anger, people can also displace other feelings, such as sexual urges. Some additional displacement defense mechanism examples include:

• Displaced anger: When someone is angry at another person but is unable to express those feelings, they may redirect them toward what they perceive as a safer target. For example, if someone’s been yelled at by their boss, they might lash out at their spouse when they get home from work. Displaced anger can be extremely damaging to relationships. 
• Sublimation: Sublimation is a way to displace unacceptable urges into socially acceptable activities. For example, research shows that some people with repressed desires learn to copy by redirecting their feelings into creative works. 
• Bullying: It’s not uncommon for children who are bullied or abused by their caregivers to displace their aggression towards their peers. Victims of abuse often feel powerless, and redirecting anger, especially when it’s toward a non-threatening target, can be a way to gain a sense of power that allows them to feel as if they’re in control. 
• Displaced attraction: If someone is attracted to a person they can’t pursue, like a friend’s spouse, they may redirect that attraction to another person or an object. As an example, if the object of their attraction wears glasses, they may find themselves drawn to other people who also wear glasses. 
• Scapegoating: Scapegoating involves a sense of denial of who’s in the wrong, blaming an innocent group or individual for negative experiences. A common displacement defense mechanism example is blaming a marginalized group for an issue they have nothing to do with, such as a poor job market or economic strife. 

Why Do We Use Displacement as a Defense Mechanism?

Defense mechanisms like displacement can provide an outlet for painful memories or negative emotions. It allows people to express their feelings in an indirect way and can be a form of stress management. At times, displacement can also be motivated by feelings of helplessness. 

Studies suggest that people are more likely to engage in displacement when they’re dealing with ego depletion. Ego depletion is the term used to describe when someone uses up all their available willpower. In relation to displacement, if much effort goes into staying calm when someone is being insulted, for example, they may then struggle to maintain an appropriate level of control later on. This could cause them to lash out at the people around them. 

The harmful impacts of displacement 

It’s important to note that displacement isn’t always bad. On the contrary, it can even be a healthy coping strategy to a certain degree — allowing you to manage and deal with anxiety and stress in some instances. 

That said, displacement can be destructive to your relationships, sense of self-worth, and overall happiness. It can spark a cyclical pattern of behavior that drives wedges between you and others and might begin to interfere with your ability to be successful, both personally and professionally. 

Relationship issues 

When someone regularly displaces negative emotions, they often transfer their feelings to loved ones, such as a spouse or a family member. This can be a major source of relationship conflict. Redirecting emotions like anger and frustration towards loved ones can eventually push them away. 

Cycles of anger 

Displacement can create a cycle of anger and negative emotions. When someone displaces their anger onto one person, that person may then lash out at someone else. The only way to break this cycle is to deal with negative feelings in a healthier way. 

Inappropriate emotional displays

By transferring feelings to another target, it can lead to emotional displays that may be seen as inappropriate. Displaced emotions are often extreme and can eventually lead to intense emotional outbursts. 

Prejudice

Displacement can be a source of prejudice. When someone puts negative emotions onto a group of people, it can lead to prejudices that shape the way they feel about the world. These prejudices can have severe consequences. 

Substance abuse

According to studies, people who struggle with drug and alcohol dependency are more likely to engage in damaging defense mechanisms like displacement. When people feel angry or powerless, and they don’t have a healthy way to express their emotions, it can lead to addictive behaviors. 

How to Work Through Displacement

While it can be difficult to identify displacement defense mechanisms, it’s possible to recognize and change these behaviors. 

There are several ways to work through displacement, including:

• Self-reflection: Analyzing your own behavior and actions can increase your awareness of your behavior. When you catch yourself displacing your emotions, reflect on why you’re using certain negative defense mechanisms. 
• Cognitive reframing: Negative emotions like frustration and anger are unavoidable, but it is possible to adjust your mindset. Reframing helps you focus on positive emotions or find other outlets for your feelings. 
• Journaling: It’s not always possible to openly and outwardly express what you’re feeling, but you can work through your emotions in a journal. Journaling for your mental health can be a way to vent your feelings without inappropriately directing them to another person.  
• Meditation: Meditation can be a simple and effective, yet very powerful way to reduce stress. Over time, it can also give you more control over your emotions and help you stay focused on the present.
• In-person or online therapy: Recognizing and overcoming displacement isn’t always easy. If you’ve been struggling with displacement, don’t hesitate to reach out to a mental health professional. 

Displacement defense mechanisms can have lasting consequences on your well-being and your relationships with others. The good news, though, is you can learn effective coping skills that will allow you to challenge how you implement defense mechanisms in your life. With the help of a skilled, trained therapist, you’ll be able to find new and better ways to cope. 

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Defining Shame and Guilt

What is the difference between shame and guilt? Even though these words are sometimes used interchangeably, the emotions they describe are distinct. 

• Shame is a negative feeling about who you are as a person. Someone who struggles with shame may believe that they’re a bad person or that they don’t deserve to feel happiness. People often experience shame when they fall short of the person they want to be. 
• Guilt describes feelings of responsibility or remorse over action or inaction. While people may have guilty feelings after they make mistakes or hurt others, it’s also possible to have guilt over things outside your control. 

The Root of Guilt vs. Shame

Even though guilt is a negative emotion, it plays an important role in shaping behavior. People tend to feel guilty when they believe they’ve done something bad or wrong. Guilt is usually a response to actions or behaviors, but some people experience it when they believe they’re responsible for something they didn’t do. 

A specific event can trigger shame, but a person’s feelings about themselves ultimately cause it. While guilt can lead to shame, shame is about more than remorse or regret. When someone experiences shame, they believe there’s something wrong with who they are as a person. 

Neither guilt nor shame is all that uncommon or unusual, and we know that certain experiences can cause us to have either feeling excessively. While guilt is a self-regulatory emotion, research tells us that guilt and shame have been linked to certain other mental health conditions, for example, major depressive disorder (MDD). Yet another example of where guilt might stem from is how victims of trauma may struggle with survivor’s guilt. 

Shame is typically rooted in insecurities, but this self-doubt can come from many places. People often internalize negative experiences, which can lead to chronic shame. When someone has dealt with physical or emotional abuse, for example, it’s common for them to have high levels of shame. 

Signs of Guilt vs. Shame

Guilt and shame are both self-conscious emotions that most people will experience at some point over the course of their lives. If you want to learn the difference between guilt and shame, it’s important to understand that while people may have these emotions at the same time, studies show that people have different reactions to guilt vs. shame.

Signs of guilt

• Worrying about making the wrong decision
• Over-apologizing
• Fixating on a specific action or event
• Feeling responsible for other people 
• Having unusually high empathy

Signs of shame

• Self-destructive behavior 
• Low self-esteem 
• Believing that you’re a bad person or fundamentally flawed 
• Emotional outbursts
• Excessive self-criticism 

Dealing with Guilt & Overcoming Shame

We’ve already determined that shame and guilt are common emotions, but just because many people experience them doesn’t mean that they’re not potentially devastating. In fact, left untreated, shame and guilt have the potential to become debilitating. If you’ve been dealing with guilt, shame, or both, there are several tips that help you cope.

Learn to recognize your feelings

Even if you can tell that you’re distressed, it isn’t always easy to identify the emotion that you’re dealing with. Asking questions like what is the difference between shame and guilt can make you more aware of both emotions and what they feel like. Pay close attention to what you feel so that you can recognize and identify harmful thought patterns as soon as possible. 

Challenge negative emotions

Don’t be afraid to question your feelings or think about where they came from. Try to reframe negative thoughts and look at things from a different perspective. When you look at your emotions more closely, you may discover ways to overcome them.

Find potential triggers

If you’re frequently struggling with guilt or shame, try to identify potential triggers for your feelings. Keeping a journal for your mental health can help you to learn to identify and anticipate negative thoughts and behavior patterns related to your guilt or shame. When you know what your triggers are, you’ll have more control over your emotions. You might even be able to begin to avoid certain triggers altogether when you’re feeling vulnerable. 

Identify harmful thought patterns 

Certain patterns of thinking, such as overgeneralization or blowing issues out of proportion, can contribute to feeling guilty or ashamed. These thought patterns are sometimes referred to as cognitive distortions. Once you learn to recognize them, you can break the cycle and reframe or redirect your thoughts. 

Take a time out

You shouldn’t ignore your feelings, but it’s okay to take a break when you’re overwhelmed. If you’ve been dealing with extreme emotions, and you feel like you’re at your limit, try going for a walk or watching a movie. Give yourself a chance to calm down so that you can address your emotions in a healthy and effective way.

Show yourself compassion 

Even if you’re nice to others, it can be hard to show that same kindness to yourself. Try to catch yourself when you’re being overly critical or engaging in negative self-talk. Whether you start reciting daily affirmations, keep a gratitude journal, take time to practice self-care, or even just give yourself a hug, a little self-compassion can go a long way. 

Seek professional help

A powerful emotion like guilt or shame isn’t always easy to manage. If either painful feeling negatively impacts your life, you may want to work with a mental health professional. Whether you’re dealing with excessive guilt or struggling with shame, your feelings are coming from somewhere. Therapy can help you understand your emotions so that you can move forward. 

Struggling with feelings of guilt or shame can be overwhelming. At Talkspace, our online therapy platform makes seeking help convenient and affordable. You can connect with a therapist who can provide you with insight and support that helps you navigate your feelings. When you have professional support, you can find ways to combat and overcome guilt and shame so you can live a full, rewarding life where you’re in control of your emotions rather than letting them control you. 

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How Does Projection Work as a Defense Mechanism?

What is the projection defense mechanism, and how does it work? Most adults understand the difference between right and wrong, but it can still be difficult for some people to accept that they’ve done something unhealthy or detrimental to themselves or their relationships. Projecting onto others is a way for some people to subconsciously deny characteristics in themselves that they might be ashamed of or find hard to admit.

Projection ultimately stems from internal conflict. Attributing unacceptable feelings or traits to others can be a way for some people to try to avoid uncomfortable realizations. It’s a subliminal strategy that can protect people from anxiety, distress, and other negative emotions.  

“Projection is something we all need to be aware of. We subconsciously react to people based on our own wounds of insecurity, guilt, or shame that we have not addressed. We punish or harshly judge others, which allows us to continue to avoid our own healing.”

– Talkspace therapist Dr. Karmen Smith LCSW, DD

Is projection a healthy defense mechanism?

Defense mechanisms can be beneficial on some level, but ultimately, projection negatively affects relationships and personal growth. Using projection as a defense mechanism against negative emotions can cause confusion and conflict. For those who are being projected on, it can be frustrating and upsetting to be accused of a behavior they’re not guilty of.  

Projecting traits onto others also prevents people from confronting their own negative traits. Since people who engage in this impulsive defense mechanism aren’t aware that they’re projecting, it can be difficult for them to address contributing factors. 

How to Spot Projection (Examples)

Projection isn’t something people do deliberately, so it can be hard to spot. Projection defense mechanism examples can help you recognize the behavior. This defense mechanism can appear in any type of relationship or setting. 

Some examples of what defensive projection can look like include:

• A person who’s having an affair may accuse their partner of infidelity
• Someone with racist beliefs might insist that others share their beliefs and are just afraid to speak up
• A parent may project unfulfilled ambitions onto their child 
• Someone who struggles with alcohol abuse may believe that other people also have unhealthy relationships with alcohol
• A person with an irrational dislike for a co-worker may convince themselves that others in the office feel the same way 
• Someone who’s insecure about the way they look may criticize other people’s appearances
• A person who’s attracted to someone who’s unavailable might insist that the person has feelings for them

“Racism is a form of projection where another person feels superior only if they can cause someone else to feel inferior. The guilt or shame of the current system of oppression is justified as long as I can see the other as inferior, therefore I never have to improve or heal.”

– Talkspace therapist Dr. Karmen Smith LCSW DD

Find Healthier Ways to Cope

What is a projection defense mechanism? Have you been projecting negative thoughts and traits onto others? It can be tough to ask yourself these kinds of questions, but thankfully, you don’t have to find the answer on your own. 

Talkspace offers online therapy and can connect you with a therapist who understands defense styles like projection. Not only can therapy help you recognize the defense mechanisms that you’ve been using, but it can also help you confront emotions that are triggering those defenses. Over time, you can learn to accept yourself and avoid using damaging defense mechanisms, like projection, that have become a part of your life.

What is Rationalization?

The rationalization defense mechanism can be explained as a reaction someone might have after they make a decision, have a thought, or engage in a specific behavior. In the aftermath of their choice, they may construct a reason that explains why they did certain things or felt specific ways. This reason can be used in an attempt to justify their action — to themselves, or to others. 

The rationalization defense mechanism is one of the psychological defense mechanism theories originally identified by Austrian neurologist Sigmund Freud. While some of the major Freudian psychoanalytic theories have been debunked, rationalization as a defense mechanism (and other defense mechanisms) is still considered a valued theory in psychology. 

Rationalization, at its core, is a way for people to justify undesirable feelings or behaviors that they’re not comfortable with. When we try to rationalize an event, we might be able to come up with explanations that sound logical. However, rationalization unconsciously keeps people from acknowledging the true reasons for behavior or actions. 

When someone uses rationalization, they aren’t necessarily lying. It’s better (and more accurate) to look at rationalization as a form of denial or repression. It’s frequently an unconscious action, and many people wind up believing the justifications that they’ve constructed. 

How does it work as a defense mechanism?

At times, it can be difficult for some people to face the motives behind their thoughts and behaviors. Instead of addressing those uncomfortable feelings, the defense mechanism of rationalization allows people to create an alternative explanation that they can find acceptable. 

Rationalization is often a way to justify or excuse mistakes. By rationalizing controversial behaviors, people can avoid placing themselves in a negative light. As noted, this defense mechanism is often used unconsciously. That said, it’s commonly used as a way to avoid criticism from others.  

At times, rationalization can serve as a dissociation mechanism. It can be an effective way to disconnect from actions or outcomes that we perceive as negative. Rationalization allows us to deny sources of emotional turmoil or insecurity temporarily. 

Examples of Rationalization 

According to research, rationalization typically falls into one of two categories: sour grapes and sweet lemons. 

• The term “sour grapes” describes rationalizations that try to ignore difficult information blatantly. 
• “Sweet lemons,” though, refers to rationalizations that try to cast negative situations in a positive light. 

A famous rationalization defense mechanism example is the Aesop fable The Fox and the Grapes. In the story, a fox tries to grab grapes that are out of reach. When he can’t take hold of the fruit, he decides that the grapes are probably sour. 

Another common example of a sour grapes rationalization involves putting down a person or institution after being rejected. For example, if someone was turned down by a romantic interest, they might claim that they didn’t want to date the person in the first place. If someone was rejected by a potential employer, they might insist that the job wasn’t that great anyway. 

When someone makes a sweet lemons rationalization, they’re trying to convince themselves that something undesirable is actually something they want or planned. Someone who’s recently been fired, for example, might insist that they’re excited to look for something new. A student who wasn’t accepted to their preferred college may claim that they’re looking forward to taking a gap year.

“Conflict or tension in relationships isn’t easy for anyone, but when rationalization is used as a way to cope, it can feel unfair on the receiving end. Typically rationalizing is when seemingly logical reasons are presented as a way to deflect a poor perception of someone or something. “A lot of people cheat” is an example of rationalization; the statement universalizes something that is suboptimal but might be thought of as common or acceptable if convinced.”

– Talkspace therapist Elizabeth Keohan, LCSW-C, LICSW, LCSW

Reasons Why People Use Rationalization

People may use the rationalization defense mechanism for several reasons. Rationalization can be a way to fulfill many psychological functions, such as: 

• Avoiding cognitive dissonance: When our thoughts and beliefs are inconsistent, it causes a form of discomfort known as cognitive dissonance. Rationalization can be an effective way to reduce cognitive dissonance, especially when making difficult decisions, according to some research.
• Preventing disappointment: Disappointment is a normal part of life, but it can still be painful and distressing. When someone is faced with a major disappointment, they may rationalize away that sadness and displeasure in order to avoid discomfort. 
• Skipping self-analysis: At times, it can be hard for people to face themselves in the mirror. Rationalization can be a way to sidestep introspection and avoid thinking too deeply about painful emotions and unacceptable behaviors. 
• Deflecting blame: People who have committed serious offenses may use rationalizations to blame others. One rationalization defense mechanism example is DARVO, which stands for deny, attack, and reverse victim or offender. It can be a way for abusers to manipulate and control their victims. 
• Concealing mistakes:  When someone has made an embarrassing error, they may look for ways to justify hiding their mistake from others. The defense mechanism of rationalization can help them try to avoid embarrassment and guilt. 
• Ignoring limitations: We all have limitations, but that doesn’t mean our limits are always comfortable or easy to acknowledge. Rationalizing away limitations can be a way to ignore our shortcomings.  
• Denying reality: When someone is dealing with a deeply distressing situation, such as an abusive relationship, it can be incredibly difficult to cope. In these scenarios, someone may use rationalization as a way to deny the truth and protect themselves from the reality of their situation. 
• Avoiding past trauma: Traumatic experiences can cause people to behave in unusual ways. It’s not uncommon for someone to rationalize painful memories or experiences so they don’t have to acknowledge or deal with trauma of their past.

“We often think of rationalization as a way to cope, but of course that can also mean to defend or protect. At the core of protection are sometimes issues or feelings of hurt, shame, or insecurity. While it never feels good to be or present as vulnerable, some people aren’t as comfortable presenting as weak or rejected. Quite simply, rationalization can be a defense the ego uses to make something ‘feel’ more accepting and tolerable.”

– Talkspace therapist Elizabeth Keohan, LCSW-C, LICSW, LCSW

Getting to the Root & Finding Healthy Mechanisms

While rationalization can be a way to avoid emotions you’re not ready to deal with, in the end, it ultimately does more harm than good. When you rely on rationalization as a defense mechanism, you’re suppressing your true feelings. Rationalization can move you further away from reality, preventing you from acknowledging danger or weaknesses. 

There is hope, though. When you uncover the root cause of your rationalizations, you can replace this unhealthy behavior with more effective (and less damaging) defense mechanisms. By practicing conscious awareness you can learn to accept challenging truths and take responsibility for your own mistakes. 

It isn’t always easy to confront rationalizations, but thankfully, this isn’t something that you have to face on your own. A therapist can help you learn how to process the experiences and emotions behind behaviors. With the help of a mental health professional through online therapy, you can learn to overcome unhealthy defense mechanisms and deal with difficult emotions in a more positive way.

Sources:

1. Kay A, Jimenez M, Jost J. Sour Grapes, Sweet Lemons, and the Anticipatory Rationalization of the Status Quo. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. 2002;28(9):1300-1312. doi:10.1177/01461672022812014. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/249897607_Sour_Grapes_Sweet_Lemons_and_the_Anticipatory_Rationalization_of_the_StatusQuo. Accessed September 24, 2022.

2. Jarcho J, Berkman E, Lieberman M. The neural basis of rationalization: cognitive dissonance reduction during decision-making. Soc Cogn Affect Neurosci. 2010;6(4):460-467. doi:10.1093/scan/nsq054. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3150852/. Accessed September 24, 2022.

3. Harsey S, Zurbriggen E, Freyd J. Perpetrator Responses to Victim Confrontation: DARVO and Victim Self-Blame. Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment & Trauma. 2017;26(6):644-663. doi:10.1080/10926771.2017.1320777. https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/10926771.2017.1320777. Accessed September 24, 2022.

What Are Mommy Issues?

Mommy issues are known as psychological challenges, stemming from strained relationships with mothers or mother figures during the formative years. These challenges can manifest as negative self-image, trust issues, and emotional difficulties in adulthood. Understanding and addressing mommy issues is essential for personal growth, healing, and building healthier relationships. If you’re experiencing mommy issues in one way or another, your relationship with your mother was likely lacking.

Most people agree that the mother-child relationship is one of the most important dynamics in life. It’s logical that if you had an unhealthy or complicated relationship with your mother, especially during your childhood, it could easily have an impact on your adult relationships or affect a healthy relationship with a romantic partner.

It could be that your mother was too controlling or that she was loving but failed to provide essential emotional support. Maybe she manipulated you in a harsh way or she abused or neglected you. Mommy issues can result from many different maternal behaviors, and you might be surprised to learn that some of them are seemingly innocent or even appear to be well-meaning on the surface. Not all mommy issues are the result of abuse or neglectful behavior.

The psychology behind mommy issues

Although the origins of “mommy issues” are unclear, they are thought to be somewhat connected to psychologist Sigmund Freud’s theory of the Oedipus Complex. Here, Sigmund Freud explores the feelings of attraction some children feel towards their parents, whether it’s their mother or father.

To fully understand mommy issues, it’s important to look at some of the behaviors and relationships in childhood that might contribute to — or flat-out cause — a young person to develop mommy issues in their future.

“Relationships are the place for unmet expectations to surface and mommy issues are no less intrusive until they are projected towards a partner. We can’t be omniscient about where our vulnerabilities will land, but it’s a good idea to practice self awareness rather than displacing unfulfilled expectations onto a partner.”

– Talkspace therapist Elizabeth Keohan, LCSW-C, LICSW, LCSW

Mommy issues vs. daddy issues

The key difference between mommy and daddy issues lies in the parent-child relationship dynamics that lead to these psychological challenges. While mommy issues typically result from the maternal relationship affecting aspects like trust, self-image, and emotional well-being, daddy issues often stem from the father-child relationship. They can manifest as fear of abandonment, difficulties in trusting male figures, or seeking male approval. These differences highlight the unique impact that each parent can have on an individual’s psychological development and subsequent adult relationships.

What Causes Mommy Issues?

Long-lasting psychological effects can come from any substandard parent-child relationship. Children may develop either mommy issues, daddy issues, or a combination of both. 

Mommy issues can result from both overly permissive and overprotective mothers. Some mothers are more focused on being their child’s best friend rather than providing solid, structured maternal leadership and emotional support. While a proud, doting mother certainly seems admirable, sometimes these are the exact types of relationships that can become toxic and cause long-term detriment.

Every household, child, mother, and father — every aspect of a family dynamic — is completely unique. Thus, it can feel impossible to gauge the precise effects of any given situation or relationship. That said, there are some accepted standards and beliefs regarding what might cause mommy issues. 

These might include a mother who:

• Was physically, emotionally, or sexually abusive
• Was completely or mostly absent
• Treated a father poorly
• Was extremely overbearing
• Was unloving or non-nurturing

Remember that these are just some of the potential causes of mommy issues. All mother and child relationships are complex, and with so many aspects to the relationship, it can be difficult to ever fully understand the true cause for someone’s mommy issues.

“At its core, mommy issues can authentically stem from an emotionally unavailable mother, often leading to difficulty forming bonds or friendships, unrecognized resentments, and also poor boundaries, for both men and women.”

– Talkspace therapist Elizabeth Keohan, LCSW-C, LICSW, LCSW

5 Signs of Mommy Issues

Before we go into the signs of mommy issues, remember that the entire concept is rather loosely defined.

Each case depends on multiple factors that are specific to your childhood conditions. The unique characteristics of your mother and your own personal take on your childhood experience (including how you interpret and recall events) come into play.

The following are some examples of maternal behaviors that could easily contribute to the development of mommy issues:

Inability to experience deep connections

Did your mother have attachment issues? Was your mother unable to get close with people and maintain close friendships? Was your mother unable to sustain a romantic relationship? If so, and if you feel that you struggle to connect with others, you might be emulating your mom’s behavior. You may have inadvertently developed those same traits and as a result, now have trouble with intimacy, affection, or even just basic friendship.

Clingy

Always feeling the need to physically hold your partner or feeling extreme discomfort when you don’t have a direct connection to them can indicate an adult attachment style that comes from your mommy issues. This insecure attachment issue applies to other types of excessive neediness as well. According to attachment theory, our earliest relationships have a lasting effect on our lives in terms of our personalities, struggles with mental health, and adult relationships.

Unaffectionate

If you struggle with intimacy, avoid sexual contact with your partner, or have another form of difficulty expressing affection, it could be that your mother was closed off to you emotionally.

Over criticizing

If your mother was controlling, demanding, and critical, it’s not uncommon if you’ve taken on similar traits in adulthood. Are you overly critical of those around you, especially your romantic partner? Your strained relationship with your mother might explain why.

Dependency

Did your mom always do everything for you? You may have learned to be overly dependent on her. Mommy issues can sometimes result in a need for others to do everything for you well into adulthood, even if it’s things you could (and probably should) do for yourself.

The Impact of Having Mommy Issues

Mommy issues affect everyone differently. Issues can be mild or severe. Your mommy issues might cause you to polish every dish to perfection and then place it precisely in the cabinet. They might also cause you to resent other women. They might result in you having unhealthy romantic partners or distant relationships with your children.   

There’s no one-size-fits-all when it comes to how your mommy issues will impact your adult life. However, in general, you might be less effective at maintaining mutually beneficial romantic and personal relationships. This in and of itself is reason enough for you to learn how to overcome the issues you have due to your unhealthy relationship with your mom. 

Emotional issues and insecure attachment styles

Mommy issues often lead to a range of emotional issues in adult life, including the development of insecure attachment styles. Individuals with unresolved mommy issues might find themselves gravitating towards avoidant or anxious attachment styles, where they either shun intimacy and closeness or become overly dependent on their partners for constant reassurance, respectively. These attachment styles can significantly hinder one’s ability to form healthy, intimate relationships.

Toxic relationships

The presence of unresolved mommy issues can also predispose individuals to engage in toxic relationships. An unhealthy relationship with a mother can set a precedent for what individuals consider “normal,” leading them to seek out or tolerate similar dynamics in their adult romantic relationships. This pattern can manifest as either being the perpetrator of toxic behaviors or finding oneself repeatedly attracted to partners who exhibit these traits, perpetuating a cycle of dysfunction.

Difficulty in personal relationships

Beyond romantic relationships, mommy issues can impact friendships and family connections, contributing to a broader pattern of difficulty in maintaining healthy personal relationships. People with these issues may struggle with trust, find it hard to open up to others, or alternately become overly clingy and dependent on friends for emotional support. Such dynamics strain relationships, leading to a cycle of brief, intense connections or long-term, unfulfilling ones.

Impact on parenting styles

Lastly, mommy issues can echo into one’s parenting style, affecting the next generation. Parents with unresolved issues might swing between overbearing and neglectful behaviors, struggle with providing consistent emotional support, or inadvertently project their anxieties and fears onto their children. Recognizing and addressing these issues is crucial for breaking the cycle and fostering healthy relationships with one’s children.

How to Work Through Mommy Issues

You don’t have to let the troubled relationship you had with your mom dictate those you have now. Through hard work, determination, and maybe even some therapy, you can learn new behaviors and thought processes that will allow you to overcome any problems interfering in your relationships as an adult. Therapy can even help you develop a healthy relationship with your mother and sort out other unresolved issues.

“No partner can emulate perfection or fulfill an emotional void, but respecting the core of our issues can help release any attached guilt or shame. We are not doomed by what we learned from our parents, as it’s wholly possible to grow within our relationships and as an individual. Connecting with the right therapist can be instrumental to learning and applying healthy relating and communication moving forward.”

– Talkspace therapist Elizabeth Keohan, LCSW-C, LICSW, LCSW

Talkspace’s online therapy platform makes getting the mental health help and emotional support you need for your mommy issues easier than ever. You can seek therapy in the comfort of your own home when it’s convenient for you.

You don’t have to let early childhood trauma surface in your day to day life. You can heal from the complicated relationship you had with your mother. Talkspace can help you learn how.